Category Archives: personal

our lives were just beginning, our favorite moment was right now, our favorite songs were unwritten

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I’m sitting in a hotel room in Rome (Georgia) that’s all too far from Athens (Georgia) and the one I love. It’s still unusual being an adult at times, being so focused on a long-term career, a short-term workload, money, and stability. There are still days when I want to regress and be in high school again, or better yet, that first year of college, when I was idealistic to a fault, in love with potential. I still have days when I feel that way, but they are moments, and they require reflection. So many things around me seem to be ending; so many new things are beginning. I’m realizing the possibilities that have expired and embracing the new ones that are before me.

I recently took the MBTI test again, and yet again, I came out an INFJ. I thought I had moved beyond some of those characteristics, but evidently not enough. There’s certainly still a part of me that’s romantic about the past…which I guess is what led me to write today, at a time in my life when I am far less inspired than I was in my youth. Five years doesn’t seem that long ago, but it was the beginning of the path that took me where I am today. My post-college twenties. Some of the most revolutionary years of my life at a time when I didn’t think I had any of those left. Your post-college twenties are some scary years because you’re no longer on a set path; your accomplishments are no longer measured by credits earned. It’s also easy to regress during those years. On your most difficult days, you really want to be a kid again. You want someone to hold your hand through this life change, the first life change in which no one is there to do that for you. But things level out, and like a game of Perfection, you find your place after a series of shake-ups. I finally feel that I’ve found my place, but it wasn’t without risks, failures, and a lot of anxiety.

I think too much about the past and how I got here. It all seems so random, particularly how I fell in love with the woman who will be my wife in a month. A month. It was three years ago today, April 23, 2010, when we met for the first time, a moment that bloomed from a close online friendship that itself was a few weeks old. I can’t overstate the role our town, Athens, played in that romance. From the concert at which we met (Modern Skirts at the Caledonia), our first dates (coffee, swinging, and groceries at 5 Points, Mama’s Boy when they still served dinner), my apartment in which we now reside, and all that we shared in those walls, especially that summer.

Modern Skirts are coming to an end this year. This was the band I saw most in my college years, the band that spurred love and so many memories. Their last 40 Watt show brought so many of those memories back to mind. While I’ll miss their shows and music immensely, it somehow seems fitting for this moment, when so much is ending and beginning. I’ll be 30 next year, and I’ll be a married man finally holding down a career (meaning the first job that uses my college degree I’ll be holding for more than a year). I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m ready to be done with my twenties and onto new beginnings. I’m ready to reclaim my idealism, even if it means the occasional self-indulgent blog blabbering about how I love I am with the world and the people I share it with. I promise it won’t be too often. I can’t be 20 all the time. I have work to do. And that makes me happy, too.

Confident. That she would love to start a brand new.

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ten years of this; I’m not sure if anybody understands

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I’m sitting here at my favorite Jittery Joe’s on a bright Sunday morning, and my face is reflected in the screen of my laptop. I’m almost 30, and I look like it. I’m not the bright-eyed youth I was a decade ago, and I’m fine with that. Sometimes, I’m happier that I’m not. Other times, I want to be, if only for a moment. I know not everyone understands the appeal that the now mega-popular band fun. has to me, and I don’t fully understand it, either. But I think it’s that desire to feel younger without actually being younger that nags at me and many of us.

My fiancée and I saw fun. at The Tabernacle this past Friday night as part of a Valentine’s Day weekend in Atlanta. Between them and The Format, it was my tenth or fifteenth time at one of their shows…I’ve lost count. The reason I go back again and again is because they’ve never been on a slump. Each time I’ve seen them, it always seems like they’re preparing for another “big thing.” And they’ve always made me feel like I’m a part of it, too.

The first time I saw The Format, in 2004 (just before I went off to college), things were looking shaky with their record label, Elektra, as they were dropping bands left and right–another long-time favorite of mine, Third Eye Blind, was also among these bands. A decade ago, the aptly-named “The First Single” was supposed to be The Format’s breakthrough tune, the “We Are Young” of 2003, but without label support, it failed to go mainstream. However, their energy on stage was not at all fazed by any of these possible career-killers, because all of us in the crowd knew how good this band was. They were perfectly accessible to mainstream audiences (if they would only listen), but Sam Means’ musicianship, songwriting, and Nate Ruess’ incredible vocal prowess and lyrics took the music to a level that top 40 acts rarely reach. It was too damn fun to dislike without dumbing anything down. When I spoke to Nate after the show, he was genuinely gracious, and this attitude toward fans that would carry the band through tough times. Knowing how much those who had heard their music fell in love with it, The Format continued on, with a healthy dose of skepticism towards the music industry and labels.

I spoke with Nate again briefly after a show a couple of years later, just before the release of Dog Problems. Once again, this band seemed to be on the verge of something big. They were playing new tunes, many of which were leagues better than anything on Interventions + Lullabies. Nate was excited for us to hear the results–the results of this band moving away from major labels to create their own “Vanity Label,” working with Roger Manning (Jellyfish) and producer Steve McDonald (Redd Kross), and above all, overcoming the anxiety that preceded the release of this album: what if they couldn’t do it on their own?

But their fears were unfounded. Dog Problems was released independently (with some help from distributor Nettwerk, who ensured that the album would be placed in as many stores as possible), and as with Radiohead’s In Rainbows and other post-Napster experiments in the last decade, it proved that major labels are irrelevant if the music is good enough. Dog Problems is The Format’s masterwork–a result of the depression that came with being dropped from a label, Nate’s relationship problems, relentless touring and traveling, and overcoming all of those things to be able to scream, “I’m doing alright; I’m doing just fine.”

In 2007, a year after Dog Problems, The Format was at the height of their career, and also nearing the end. I saw them at The Masquerade that year, as I had the very first time and countless other times, and the crowd was more enthusiastic than ever. And so were they. Each time since that first time three years ago, the show got bigger in every way. As they covered Van Morrison’s “Caravan” to close out their set, it seemed clear to me that they loved where they were, their company, and their fans. What could go wrong?

The circumstances still aren’t clear to the public, but The Format split in early 2008. Nate wrote a letter informing fans on their website that things were fine between Sam and himself, but that there was no future for The Format. I was heartbroken. This was a band whose music saw me through college, some major relationships, and through which I can say my sister and I bonded in our mutual love for the music. What would I do without them? It just seems like silly pop music, doesn’t it? It was more than that to me. I can’t fully explain why, but the songs and the memories they touched still mean so much to me.

Fun formed shortly after, in the fall of 2008. Yes: they were once Fun, capitalized, no period. (The change only came after Finnish noise rock band, also named Fun, sought exclusive rights to the name. Don’t worry–they’re reaping all the benefits though mistaken Spotify plays.) This was my first year teaching, and my first year out of college. I was lost in so many ways. I hated my life, I hated my town, I hated my job, and I was anxious and miserable on a daily basis. I don’t think I was being melodramatic at the time, because I still compare the shittier times of now to the nightmare that that year was to make myself feel better.

Fun’s music made that year better. Before Aim & Ignite, I could only know a few songs, including “Benson Hedges” and “Be Calm,” but they seemed all too anthemic for me at the time. I was once again excited and enthusiastic for the next “big thing” that this band had on the way. Also, as a fan of both Steel Train and Anathallo (I had bought Floating World at a Format show in Birmingham, and Trampoline was often paired with Dog Problems in my CD changer), I knew how talented Jack Antonoff and Andrew Dost were, so I was not at all afraid that this project would let me down.

Aim & Ignite sounds simultaneously like starting over and picking up where you left off. I couldn’t help thinking that it mirrored my life. In 2009, I quit my first post-college job and moved to Athens, not really knowing what I was doing or where I was going. I was supposed to start a social work program at UGA, but my application was completed too late. I tried to “pick up where I left off,” but jobs were scarce, so I ended up substitute teaching and doing what I could to make ends meet for myself. I broke off an engagement in 2010; I had and have no regrets about that; I don’t want to be forgiven for all my big mistakes, I only want to be forgotten. I didn’t intend for those years to go the way that they did, but so many of those accidents and mistakes shaped my life as it is now, and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. It was quite soon after that when I began a new relationship with my current fiancée, and things ignited from there.

I began the struggle that many mid-20s college graduates face. I was often unemployed or underemployed, making my way through unsatisfying jobs and trying to find who I am. However, the most important thing was that I loved my surroundings, and I loved the handful of people I spent my time with when I did spend time with people.

I can’t say I loved Some Nights at first; in fact, I didn’t like it very much at all. I began to feel that this may be it for me…while the songs themselves are quite honestly some of the best Nate Ruess and crew have written, the production felt targeted to the Fueled by Ramen crowd, whom the band signed with about a year after Aim & Ignite‘s release. My frustration with this album stems from the fact that I know how talented this band is, and I know how much they can accomplish with so little, so why do so much to the songs? On this record, producer Jeff Bhasker is essentially a member of the band, and his loud contributions often overshadow those of of Nate, Jack, Andrew, and other talented personnel on Some Nights. Still, the mainstream didn’t seem to care, and I don’t have to share anything about this band in 2013 that you don’t already love or hate. They are no longer anyone’s “best kept secret.” To those of you hearing fun. for the first time in 2012, it certainly seems at face value that they are another manufactured product of the industry, a band that couldn’t do what they do without the kind of production that exists on Some Nights, and again, that’s what’s so frustrating.

This weekend, the band was on the heels of two Grammy wins and a few other Grammy nominations. This time, then, there isn’t so much an anticipated “big thing,” but the feeling that this is the “big thing.” The Tabernacle is considered intimate in comparison to venues that they could have sold out right now. The show sold out in days, and ticket scalpers were outside the venue–not selling tickets, but essentially panhandling for extras. “I heard they were going for over $100 on Craigslist,” I overheard one of the scalpers say as we walked away. They followed us for a few seconds as we approached the line to enter The Tabernacle, “Hey, hey, any extra tickets? You got any extra tickets?”

Each time I’ve seen this band, the crowd has always been more enthusiastic. This time was no exception, but it was exponentially different. Everyone in attendance this time knew they were lucky to be there, with the cheering and screams between songs many decibles louder than the songs themselves. I was happy to see a little more diversity than I saw at Center Stage last year–I didn’t feel like the oldest person there; their demographic post-Grammy win has extended beyond the high school and college crowd, with no clear gender preference.

Next to us in the balcony was a young high school aged girl. She was singing at the top of her lungs, and I’m not ashamed to say that I was, too–more enthusiastically than her. Stephanie couldn’t stop laughing at how silly I must have looked. The key to enjoying this band is (and always has been) letting go of any pretentious attitude that may prevent you from enjoying the music, and to just have fun. (I’m trying to avoid this inevitable pun wherever possible.) When Nate sings, “tonight, we are young,” we are all young; tomorrow, we go back to being whoever we are…unless you really are young, in which case, I genuinely hope that this music affects your youth in the same way it did mine.

After the show, Stephanie told me, “I had a great time, but I still think they’re kinda lame.” Honestly–I couldn’t argue. I totally understand that opinion. But what does it matter? Like a good Disney movie, the appeal is universal if you allow it to be. And yes, there’s much about this music that sounds childish. But ignore your initial impression of Some Nights, as I have, because there is real substance and talent in this band. Allow yourself to indulge. Not everything sweet is bad for you.

Finally, enjoy this Some Nights-era set from DC’s 9:30 Club, originally broadcasted by NPR. Put aside your cynicism and see if you can’t have some fun.

fun. – Live at 9:30 Club – Washington, DC – 5/3/12
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1. One Foot
2. Walking the Dog
3. Why Am I the One
4. All the Pretty Girls (Intro)
5. All the Pretty Girls
6. All Alone
7. Barlights
8. Carry On
9. The Gambler (Intro)
10. The Gambler
11. Be Calm
12. At Least I’m Not as Sad (As I Used to Be) (Intro)
13. At Least I’m Not as Sad (As I Used to Be)
14. We Are Young
15. You Can’t Always Get What You Want
16. Smooth (Intro)
17. Smooth
18. Some Nights
19. Take Your Time (Coming Home) (Intro)
20. Take Your Time (Coming Home)

baby alligators in the sewers grow up fast

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I’m not sure how I’ve neglected to mention here that I’m getting married soon, to a woman with whom I still fall in love daily. I could say many more sappy things. But yes…that’s happening. For real this time. And I recently started a legit full-time job with benefits for both myself and my fiancée. So many worries and anxieties of the past three years are gone. I’m in the best place I’ve been in a long time. I still live in Athens, and I’m still in love with it, even if it means hour commutes to work. I don’t fall in love with locales easily, at least not in this country.

Seeing the Perks of a Wallflower movie tonight reminded me of myself in high school and college–my early 20s. I’ve spent so much mental energy post-graduation trying to get those infinite feelings back. Many of those stories are past, logged in my silly ’04-’05 Xanga posts, many drenched in Dashboard Confessional lyrics. Evenings and late nights will emerge that make me feel that way, a way that makes the most sober and rational person cringe. Maybe I’ll channel more exciting spirits through melody and/or words. It gets harder to find your younger spirit, but you can’t keep looking in the same places. The ultimate goal is to feel alive and unpredictable while keeping our adult investments and goals safe. Some would say to throw out the latter, or “#YOLO,” in simpler terms, but if YouTube is any indication, that mantra leads to little more than stupidity.

As I approach 30, I expect to become much better at maintaining this balance.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year…more than I have at any other time in my adult life. Next year and beyond is where I start to figure out what it all means. Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas, everyone.

alive on the new machine

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Alcohol doesn’t do much for me anymore. I’m not swearing it off, but I’ve honestly never enjoyed how it tastes, and my tolerance is not as high as it used to be. I miss the sustained buzz it once gave me. Coffee is good for a buzz, but it doesn’t last very long. I feel motivated and confident for about ten minutes; in that window, I feel like I can do all of the things I want to do…then it wears off. I think about drinking more coffee, but it only makes me sick. Then I just feel tired and bored again.

I know that everything ends, which, as basic of an understanding as it is, isn’t a reality that most people think about until they’re into adulthood. I feel that many things in my life have come to an end; I also feel like I’m on the verge of many new things, but I feel like I’ve been on the verge for forever now. The verge is not a scary place to be so much as a boring place to be. The in-between. A hallway. I’ve been there a long time. The buzz has worn off.

In your late twenties, you redefine what it means to be young. You still call yourself young, but you have different expectations and desires than you did just five years earlier. You are no longer defined by others, you’re defined by yourself. It’s such a big thing to figure out. But isn’t that life’s ultimate goal? I guess it can’t be determined in just a few short years. I read the other day that the number one regret people have when they’re on they’re deathbed is that they lacked the courage to live a life of their own rather than a life imposed on them by others. It’s easier to live the life that others want; it’s easier to allow others to define you.

Even so, it’s tempting. There’s a sad sense of validation that comes from putting on nice clothes, going into a building for nine hours, and working for a steady, safe paycheck doing something you don’t like. People do it. I’ll probably end up doing it. Right now, most of us would be happy to do it. The hope, of course, is that you’ll find your passion within it eventually, or outside of that, if you have the time. That hope is the only thing keeping my buzz vaguely alive.

This post was too personal. Didn’t mean for this to be LiveJournal. So I’ll share one of my favorite bands at the moment: The War on Drugs. I overlooked their album Slave Ambient until just before 2011 ended. It might have been my favorite album last year had I had time for it to sink in. Here’s their big single.

boxer or the bag

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Couple things; I’ll go ahead and mention this first because I have to. Jeff Mangum recently announced his Winter 2012 tour dates, and as promised, this includes the 40 Watt here in Athens. He’ll be playing not just one but two nights! Also announced was an Atlanta date at the Variety Playhouse, so he’s finally giving his E6 hometown/state some love, which I’m ecstatic about. The fact that he’s still sticking to intimate venues, like clubs, midsize theatres, and churches is also pretty great, despite how hard that makes it to obtain tickets. (On that note, I had to say no to Radiohead at Philips Arena, which went on sale the same week–why the big corporate venues and $70 tickets? Of course, it still sold out quickly.)

I knew how fast Toronto sold out, so I had to be on it if I wanted the tickets. I didn’t want to risk depending on a website if I didn’t have to, so I scoped out Wuxtry on Friday morning, where tickets went on sale at noon. Pretty pleasant experience compared to fighting an error-laden website–I got in line at 11, talked to some other nice folks who were waiting, and I had tickets in my hand by 12:15:

So there’s that. Also, I think I’ve found my movie of the year: 50/50. I caught it at Ciné a couple weeks ago (it’s more mainstream than what they normally play), and it’s a fantastic movie that pretty much everyone should see. A lot about it has stuck with me, including the music. I found most of the songs on Spotify and made my own soundtrack, since an official soundtrack doesn’t exist…and I recommend you do the same, whether you’ve seen the movie or not. Here’s the soundtrack, from top to bottom:

1. Cut Copy – Where I’m Going
2. Jacuzzi Boys – Brick or Coconuts
3. The Walkmen – New Country
4. Radiohead – High and Dry
5. Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes – Carries On
6. Bee Gees – To Love Somebody
7. The Aggrolites – Work to Do
8. autoKratz – Stay the Same
9. Diplomats of Solid Sound – Soul Connection
10. Shapes and Sizes – Too Late for Dancing
11. Gerry Rafferty – Days Gone Down
12. Roy Orbison – Crying
13. Liars – The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack
14. Pearl Jam – Yellow Ledbetter

we’re getting older and older and older, and always a little further out of the way

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[Originally posted 9/9/11]

Here’s a rarity that I just thought I’d share today. I’m feeling this song right now, and I haven’t seen this version posted very many places.

For those who don’t know, “August and Everything After” (the song) was once the holy grail of Counting Crows songs. The album cover of the same name features its lyrics; fans were always aware that the song exists somewhere in some form, but it was thought to be lost forever, until a fan found the full lyrics and gave them to Adam, who agreed to play the song, solo on piano, back in 2003 at a San Francisco show.

The most frequently traded recording of this song is from the first time it was played, from (I believe) the previous night, but it’s an audience recording with a somewhat annoying crowd. This is a soundboard recording, officially released by the band on the CD single for “She Don’t Want Nobody Near.” Enjoy. It’s my favorite Counting Crows song, and one of my favorite songs period.

MP3: Counting Crows – August and Everything After (Soundboard, Live in San Francisco)

before you would even know, glow

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[Originally posted 9/6/11]

I would really be doing a disservice to myself if I didn’t write something about the Toronto trip. I didn’t care to do so right away…my first instinct wasn’t to rush to the Internet. August was a crazy month…so much happened in a few weeks that’s realistically going to take a long time to process and reflect on. In the middle of everything was this trip…it was ill-timed to say the least, but something Stephanie and I had been looking forward to for months, and something I’ve been hoping for for years. For the first time in a decade, Jeff Mangum is touring. Not just playing a few tunes at a surprise gig, but an actual, full-fledged tour. For the masses who didn’t hear Neutral Milk Hotel before 2001 (I’d say the majority of fans), this is an opportunity that couldn’t be missed.

Admittedly, I spent a lot of money on this trip, at a time when I wasn’t sure about my future job-wise…but as a teacher, I’ve always planned to splurge a bit over the summer to enjoy myself and go somewhere different. Not many careers allow you so much free time to do that. I booked a room for us at the Madison Avenue Boutique Hotel, a B&B in the Annex area, walking distance from Trinity St. Paul’s Centre, where Jeff would be playing two nights. (Yes, tickets sold out online in minutes, but we still managed to get two for both nights without the scalpers.) This was my first time in Canada, which I’ve been curious to visit ever since finding out my first few online friends all lived in various provinces, so that was something else to be excited about.

The hotel was a standard city B&B, and thankfully our room was located away from the street, so noise wasn’t a problem. Right next door sat a pub owned by the same folks who run the hotel, which put any bars I’ve seen in Athens or Atlanta to shame. It didn’t look big from the outside, but we literally waited 45 minutes in a huge line to get in one night, and we were still able to sit at a table close to the front. It was massive, loud, and there was a reason we were able to get a table: everyone was out on the patio, which is apparently where Canadians go during the summer months.

We flew in from Atlanta to Buffalo to save money, and rented a car to drive up to Toronto. Of course we stopped at Niagara Falls on the first day, and took in the Falls on the Maid of the Mist before crossing the border. They really were breathtaking; you can see nothing but pure white in one direction. The first stop we made in Ontario was Tim Horton’s, which I’ve heard Canadians rave about…and I was underwhelmed. The maple creme filled donut I had was really no big deal. I’d take Krispy Kreme or even Dunkin’ Donuts over Tim Horton’s. You’re right about your beer, Canadians (still looking for some Molson Canadian here), but enough about Tim Horton’s…I hear they use frozen donuts now, anyway.

I don’t know how much detail I should go into about the days that followed aside from the concert…we did a lot of walking around the city, rode a cable car, discovered bubble tea (yes, it can be found in Athens, but we had yet to try it), searched for chicken balls (not as easy to find as we hoped), drank plenty of coffee at the many shops, and had some amazing dumplings and sushi (the latter in line for night two of Mangum). To be honest, cities are a bit overwhelming to me, even Atlanta at times. It was a really fun place to visit and spend a few days, but I would have to get used to it before I’d have any desire to stay. (Five weeks did it in London…I still want to go back.)

For the Friday night show, we arrived at 5:30 to wait in line, and waited until 8:30 before Andrew, Scott, and Laura took the stage. Their set was really enjoyable and demonstrated how much talent the E6 collective contains in their members. I wasn’t familiar with a lot of the songs, but I need to be. During their set as well as Jeff’s, the crowd was almost dead quiet in their restrained jubilation. Before his set, Jeff came out casually to set up…like it’s no big deal that he’s even on a stage in front of people again (on Saturday night he did the same, and people started cheering; they even dimmed the lights…he had to tell them to settle down and wait just a few more minutes).

Jeff started with “Oh, Comely.” By the way, we were in the third row on the right facing the stage, in full realization of how lucky we were to be so close. There really aren’t any words to describe it, and I don’t know if I should try. It was by far the most emotional I’ve ever been at a concert; the first time I’ve been in that much awe. When he played “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” and “Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2,” I’ll admit I got choked up. Life changing. I could run down a setlist, but you could find that by Googling…I’m not really trying to review the show, just trying to put the experience into words, which I’m having a difficult time doing. Jeff’s voice sounded even better live (I’d say much better) than it did a decade ago. I’ve listened to some old NMH bootlegs since, and I don’t think it’s just me romanticizing my experience. There’s some angst that’s gone and I think it suits the music better.

The venue was perfect. An old church in the middle of a city…no better place to witness a second coming like this. It sounded so good. I don’t know what else to say but that you had to be there. The night ended and I can still remember the feeling as I walked out. Pure disbelief of what I just saw and heard. Night two continued the feeling. Aside from a few changes (“April 8th” and a cover of “I Love the Living You” by Roky Erickson), he played many of the same songs, which were no less overwhelming. The crowd wasn’t so quiet that night.

After the Saturday show, we did some stalking, and I’m not too proud of it, though we got exactly what we wanted. We met Andrew, Scott, Laura, and some other folks behind the church, hoping that Jeff would emerge at some point…being from Athens, we talked about that for a bit, and where Jeff might come if he were to play Athens. (Maybe the church on Milledge behind the Varsity…probably not somewhere typical.) After a few minutes, we felt creepy, so we met some other fans in the alley beside the church, who were also hoping to meet Jeff. No less creepy, but at least we had company. Eventually, Jeff and some others came walking right past us with equipment…and the group of us (it never would have been just me) followed him down to the van. The first thing he said after we greeted him was not to feel bad or anything for coming to say hi…extremely nice guy. I still felt a little bad. We told him we came all the way from Athens; surprised and apologetic, he said he’d probably be playing the 40 Watt soon. So…there you go, Athens folks. Jeff Mangum is coming back. He signed our poster, and we were quickly on our way.

The rest was just a slow return back to reality. We packed our bags that night, and were back in Atlanta the next day. Like I said, the trip was ill-timed, so there were a lot of things to take care of when we got back. But it was an experience that can’t be matched (until I see Jeff again), and a much-needed getaway. I couldn’t be happier that he’s back, in a better place, playing music again.

This isn’t the complete set, but I’ll leave you with a few recordings from Saturday night.

MP3: Jeff Mangum – Live at Trinity St. Paul’s Centre (Southern Souls)

I’m in love with your honor / I’m in love with your cheeks

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[Originally posted 8/4/11]

Aside from AthFest (and barely getting into the mind-blowing Reptar show at the 40 Watt), this summer’s concert season has been pretty slow for me up until now. It’s these few weeks in late summer 2011 that might hold some of the best shows of my life. First there was Bon Iver in Atlanta, which I’ll elaborate on in a minute. Then in a week, I’ll be in Toronto for Jeff Mangum–for not just one, but two nights. I really can’t say enough about how privileged I feel to be experiencing that. And I’ve been needing a good getaway to somewhere new this summer. I’ve just felt a bit stuck and stagnant. Anyway, I’ll have a more full report when I get back home.

For Emma, Forever Ago is one of those records that hit me hard upon first listen, but it definitely took its time to envelop a particular moment for me. While it’s definitely the perfect soundtrack to a snow day, I can’t disconnect it from last summer, when I grew to mutually fall in love with it and with someone special. I love unusual juxtapositions in music, and that record has its own that I’ve imposed on it–it sounds like some imaginary season to me; a warm, carefree, snowy summer of love. This summer, Justin Vernon and crew released Bon Iver, Bon Iver, with a much grander and orchestrated approach. It’s garnered a lot of praise and a little bit of flack; personally, I don’t think it’s better than the first album, but I came to appreciate the songs and the band a lot more when I saw them at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre last month.

After seeing them live, I’ll never again refer to Bon Iver as “he.” The first album may have been Justin’s thing, but Bon Iver is a full-fledged band now, and better for it. The band really shines on the new tunes as well as the old ones. The show opener “Perth” was excellent proof of this, as the same sound that’s present in that track on the album–sonically large and full of distance–was replicated live. The two Blood Bank EP songs they played–the title track and “Beach Baby”–might have emerged as my favorite moments of the show, as they were even better live. And of course, the older songs were wonderful to hear live for the first time. Particularly during those songs, I was surprised at what a well-behaved crowd was present that night. Clearly they understood the importance of silence in those songs, because you could hear a beer pop open from across the auditorium.

As they closed with “Skinny Love,” it was clear that we had all just experienced something that truly deserves to be called awesome, and clear that Bon Iver has grown out of that romantic vision of a lone man writing songs in a cabin. It was never supposed to last forever.

Thankfully, YouTube user MetabolicalFor recorded the entire show that night, and it’s probably the best audience recording I’ve ever seen or heard. After watching it, I’m honestly having trouble believing I was there. Here’s “Blood Bank,” one of my favorites from that night:

…when you’re ready

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There comes a time, usually after you graduate from college, when you realize that institutions are mostly talk. They have their benefits, but because they’re expected to serve the masses, they don’t do much for the individual. For example, I don’t regret college at all–some of the best years of my life; amazing experiences, and I learned a lot–but I can’t say I’ve put much of it into practice in the past few years. I can thank that master’s degree for a job that pays me little more than the average associate’s degree holder. Good teaching jobs are scarce; the theory that there would be plenty of openings due to baby boomers retiring fell through when the economy fell through. When it comes to cuts, education is at the top of the chopping block, and it’s having an adverse effect on everyone connected to the system. (Except for maybe those at the top.)

I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I can’t rely on institutions to provide everything. I don’t particularly know what I’m going to do for a job next year, but that’s been the story for the past few years. I got the most enjoyment when I was on my own, subbing, tutoring (or trying to get that off the ground), and doing some temp work. It could only last a year; I was living mostly off of my teaching salary from the previous year, and I had no health insurance, but work never stressed me out, I didn’t really have to answer to anybody, and I loved that sense of freedom. Who says 8-5 Monday-Friday is the only way?

I want this to be the year when I really take my career, or whatever you wish to call it, into my own hands. I want to experience a different kind of work, and I want to do it on my own terms. Because someday, I want to travel. I want to do things that people who work regular, ho-hum jobs can’t do. And I really believe I can. Moving to Athens was a gutsy move for me…when I signed my lease, I wasn’t totally sure that I made the cut for UGA’s MSW program because my application was late (not my fault, long story), and sure enough, I didn’t. I couldn’t find a teaching job, either. But I made things work for me, and I can do that again.

Uncertainty has been the overarching theme of the past three years. It was uncomfortable at first, but I’m used to it now. I’m kind of embracing it. I’m not afraid of change like I once was. It’s change that has done the most good for me these past few years.

In other news, I’ll be taking a trip to Toronto this summer–my first visit to the Great White North–to see (and it’s surreal that I’m even saying this) Jeff Mangum play two nights. I’ve never been this excited for a musical event. To even refer to it as a “show” seems trivializing. It’s appropriate that he’s playing in a church, because this will be spiritual. These will be the first two dates on his summer/fall tour later this year, so that makes it extra special. I had given up hope on ever hearing the man play; I had missed him in NMH’s glory days, when I was too busy listening to Rick Dees’ Weekly Top 40. I don’t know what the return means, but the fact that he’s making any sort of scheduled public appearance is more than I’ve dreamed for.

I figured I’d end on a musical note; thanks for suffering through some personal stuff if you cared to read this. Here’s an early rendition of my all-time favorite song: