alive on the new machine

Alcohol doesn’t do much for me anymore. I’m not swearing it off, but I’ve honestly never enjoyed how it tastes, and my tolerance is not as high as it used to be. I miss the sustained buzz it once gave me. Coffee is good for a buzz, but it doesn’t last very long. I feel motivated and confident for about ten minutes; in that window, I feel like I can do all of the things I want to do…then it wears off. I think about drinking more coffee, but it only makes me sick. Then I just feel tired and bored again.

I know that everything ends, which, as basic of an understanding as it is, isn’t a reality that most people think about until they’re into adulthood. I feel that many things in my life have come to an end; I also feel like I’m on the verge of many new things, but I feel like I’ve been on the verge for forever now. The verge is not a scary place to be so much as a boring place to be. The in-between. A hallway. I’ve been there a long time. The buzz has worn off.

In your late twenties, you redefine what it means to be young. You still call yourself young, but you have different expectations and desires than you did just five years earlier. You are no longer defined by others, you’re defined by yourself. It’s such a big thing to figure out. But isn’t that life’s ultimate goal? I guess it can’t be determined in just a few short years. I read the other day that the number one regret people have when they’re on they’re deathbed is that they lacked the courage to live a life of their own rather than a life imposed on them by others. It’s easier to live the life that others want; it’s easier to allow others to define you.

Even so, it’s tempting. There’s a sad sense of validation that comes from putting on nice clothes, going into a building for nine hours, and working for a steady, safe paycheck doing something you don’t like. People do it. I’ll probably end up doing it. Right now, most of us would be happy to do it. The hope, of course, is that you’ll find your passion within it eventually, or outside of that, if you have the time. That hope is the only thing keeping my buzz vaguely alive.

This post was too personal. Didn’t mean for this to be LiveJournal. So I’ll share one of my favorite bands at the moment: The War on Drugs. I overlooked their album Slave Ambient until just before 2011 ended. It might have been my favorite album last year had I had time for it to sink in. Here’s their big single.