Posting in this space now feels somewhat obligatory–ensuring that I write something once every few months to justify the little bit I spend to keep it. There have been not-so-distant times in my life where the need to write was so much stronger. I have much fewer vacancies now. Vacancies that once drove my desire to wonder what might be in my future, or to elaborate on a sudden realization I had about myself or my own beliefs. I turn 30 in just two weeks. The most eventful decade of my life–quite possibly the most eventful that I ever will have–is about to pass. It should feel more significant than it does. 30 seems like just another year…as it probably should. A birthday and the devices we use to measure time are, after all, created by us.
I know there are still horrible and great things that will still happen in the next (what I hope to be) 50 years that I will never expect. But right now, I don’t feel the sense of impending change. I feel that I know just about everything about myself–but then again, I haven’t tried lately. I may change states in the next couple of years–but that’s nothing drastic. I hope for some things to finally evolve socially. I don’t see children in my future at the moment. Overall, I feel stuck in a place that’s pretty good but I know could be much better.
To retain my sense of twentysomething wonder into my thirties, maybe I need to create a list of vacancies. And publish them, so that they’re here and so that they don’t get lost within my other mundane to-do lists. I didn’t have to write this list when I was 19…I was so much more compelled to fill those vacancies. At 29, it’s almost as if I need to convince myself that there are still things worth living for and left to do. It shouldn’t be hard, but it is something that actually requires effort.
1. Creative outputs (writing, daily journaling, teaching and learning to love my job, getting back into playing music–it’s been nearly 20 years)
2. Travel (spending money on travel and not worrying about it. At least one big trip per year. Using vacation days. Driving and not knowing exactly where I’m going for long periods of time.)
3. Uprooting (thankfully, my job allows this. Not living in one place for more than 7 years. Unless I find a place I really, really love…which is not impossible. I’m not bound to this one.)
4. Loving my wife (an easy one, but a new one since this marriage is only a year old. Finding new things to love constantly. Telling her about them. Celebrating our love. Arguing when necessary. Making up. etc., etc…)
5. Friends (making them again. In real life.)
6. Health (figuring this out. Not being lazy. Sticking to plans.)
7. Emotions, opinions, beliefs (expressing them more often in real life with other people, particularly my family. At this point, I pretty much know what they are. There may still be a few things to figure out.)
8. Confidence (well, evidently I’m going to be needing even more of this in the near future–feeling comfortable and confident in a leadership position)
9. Determining worth (financial health vs. the worth of doing/having things I really enjoy. I’ve only been financially independent for about 5 years–not a very long time, so I’m still working on this)
10. Children (determining once and for all, along with my wife, if I ever want them. The jury is still out on both sides.)
That should pretty well cover my thirties. There’s still a lot to do with this space I inhabit.